Voicemail

Children - Welcome back for another installment of "Adventures in Poetry"!

First, let's recap last week's lesson. After analyzing the metrical formulae underlying all "well-constructed" (or, for my more advanced students, "canonical") voicemail greetings, we studied an example of the generically "safe" model:

Please leave a message
At the tone
Speak slowly and clearly
Remember -
You're on the telephone!

And now, time to move on to something meatier!

For this week's lesson, we turn to the ground-breaking work of my good friend and mentor, T. Sedgwick, Freshman Associate at the Foundation for the Study of World Importance (headquartered in sunny Miami, Florida!) I direct your attention to his seminal study, "Voicemail Aesthetics: How to Lighten Your Load in a Rough Economy".

Specifically, we now examine the current voicemail Oeuvre of a literary queen who is no stranger to any of you - Her Incomparable Highness J. K. Rowling! Heads up! - here we go:

Hello
This is J. K. Rowling
I'm not at home
I've just gone bowling ...

Next week: Dame Barbara Cartland welcomes us to her Devonshire estate!

Ode to Jack Kerouac

Dedicated to Barry Miles and Gerald Nicosia




A caraway seed
From a Cracker Jack box
Is the prize that I found ...

On the road to detox.

My words are like gold

My words are like gold
I rule a realm most aureate
Only I can forever say
I am . . .

The Poetaster Laureate



- Scylla vom und zu Karybdis

Ode to a Kennedy

"They came alot ... in Camelot ..."

I

O Senator Edward M. Kennedy
Valiant supporter of AIDS-hoax legislation!

II

Ted be nimble
Ted be civic
Ted jump over
The Chappa ... quiddick ...

Brave New Words

Aldous Huxley, who is now dead,
Might still be alive if instead
Of "Ford's in his flivver"
He'd said of a Brave New Girl:

"Scylla's quip's in her quiver,
All's right with the world!"

Ode to Oscar Wilde

A life shattered ...

But does it matter?
Does Wonderland
Need a Mad Hatter?
Why should it, and who cares
Life is full of so many snares
Demands and responsibilities
Thwarting all our sensitivities
So, here's what I can glean from this
Speaking for myself, de propundis
And, recusing with respect
Funny Ellen
And funny Rosie -

A Bosie ... is a Bosie ... is a Bosie ... is a Bosie.

A life shattered
Does it matter
Does Wonderland
Need a Mad Hatter

Lament of the Laureate

My role as Poetaster is oft-times bleak
I am the butt of much mirth and merriment
"What a clown!" say some
"Put the pen down!" say others
But I will stay my course with head held high
Reaching out over land and sky
For I have metaphors to make before I weep
I have similes to go ...
Before I sleep